Just Jessica.....

Void...

2011-05-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever lost someone that you love? If you have, then I can imagine that you know what I go through on a daily basis. Still dealing with grief, denial, anger, and all of these emotions rolled into one. It amazes me that now, 6 months, and 10 days later, I still sometimes believe that my daddy is not dead. Call it denial, call it crazy, call it whatever you want, but there are times, special moments in the day, when I cannot believe that my father is dead. An example of this happened today after church. We went out to eat as normal, and I found myself wanting to tell Granny that she needed to get a to-go plate for daddy. I literally had to catch myself before saying that, for the sake of looking completely insane, because we all know that my daddy is dead. Or, when I see his truck driving down the road. Yes, I know that we sold it, and I know it's some other man driving it, but part of me still feels like it's my daddy.
I still miss him so much. Time doesn't heal wounds, I can promise you that. I still hurt everyday. I still miss him just as much as I did the moment I heard that he was dead. I still cringe at the fact that I know I won't see him on this earth again, that he wont walk me down the aisle, or see my children. It still breaks my heart everyday. You never heal...you just learn to continue living, and that remains a daily struggle for me.

HIS perfect plan

2011-04-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

So, have I mentioned how much I LOVE my new house? I can't believe I actually bought a house. But, I did, and it was the best decision I ever made, and I feel like it was all a part of God's perfect plan for my life. Why, you ask? Because I found this house on November 6th, 2010, and made an offer instantly. It was accepted, and I was thrilled, and instantly went over to show my daddy pictures "online" of my new house. He was so excited, and so happy for me. I am his little girl, his very independent little girl, but regardless, his little girl. I could see how proud he was of me. Less than 12 hours later, he passed away.
I think back all the time, and know without a doubt, that this was a part of God's plan. My God has perfect timing. While my daddy never "physically" saw my new home, I'm comforted by the fact that he was able to share in this huge step in my life. I miss him so much!

My favorite thing about the day...

2011-01-25T16:42:00.000-08:00

So, I don't have a husband, or kids, waiting for me, when I come home from a long day. But, I have to tell you. The highlight of my day is coming home, and pulling down my driveway, and seeing my sweet Bentlee's little head popping up over my chair, staring out the window. I swear, it's the cutest thing. It's like he's been there all day long, waiting on "his momma" to get home. AWW...I just LOVE HIM!

Letter from Heaven....

2011-01-18T17:17:00.000-08:00

To my dearest Jessica,

Some things I would like to say,

But first of all, to let you know

That I arrived ok.

...I’m writing this from Heaven

Where I dwell with God above,

here there’s no more tears or sadness

There is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy

Just because I’m out of sight.

Remember that I’m with you

Every morning, noon, and night.

That day that I had to leave you

When my life on earth was through,

God picked me up and hugged me

And He said, I welcome you.

It’s good to have you back again

You were missed while you were gone.

As for your dearest family

They’ll be here later on.

I need you here so badly

As part of my big plan.

There’s so much that we have to do

To help our mortal man.

Then God gave me a list of things

He wished for me to do.

And foremost on that list of mine

Is to watch and care for you.

And I will be beside you

Every day and week and year.

And when you’re sad,

I’m standing there to wipe away the tears.

And when you lie in bed at night

The days chore put to flight

God and I are closest to you

In the middle of the night.

” When you think of my life on earth

And all those loving years,

Because you’re only human

They’re bound to bring you tears

But do not be afraid to cry

It does relieve the pain.

Remember, there would be no flowers

Unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you

Of all that God has planned,

But if I were to tell you,

You would not understand.

And to my many friends trust,

God knows what it best.

I’m still not very far away from you

I’m just beyond the crest.

And now I am contented that my life,

It was worthwhile.

Knowing as I passed along the way

I made someone smile.

When you’re walking down the street

And you’ve got me on your mind,

I’m walking in your footsteps

Only half a step behind.

And when you feel that gentle breeze

Or the wind upon your face,

That’s me giving you a great big hug

Or just a soft embrace.

And when it’s time for you to go

From that body to be free,

Remember, you’re not going,

You are coming here to me.

And I will always love you

from that land way up above.

I’ll be in touch again soon,

P.S. GOD SENDS HIS LOVE!

Missing You, Daddy

2011-01-18T17:04:00.000-08:00

Today has been one of those days. One of those, I'm about to go crazy, work is driving me nuts, my life is spinning faster than I can turn, everyone is annoying me, kinda days. One of those days that I'd like nothing better to do but SCREAM that I cant take it anymore. Today, and everyday, I miss my daddy. But, there are those moments when something happens, and I want nothing more than to pick up the phone and call or text him to tell him something that happened, or tell him something funny. He and I had this thing: We would send each other funny text message forwards. We did this often, and I miss that the most. I say this all the time, but I really would give anything to hear his voice again, or even get a text from him again. I know that people say I can still talk to him, and I do, but it's not the same. And, I dont know if anyone understands how I feel. Just because 3 months has almost passed, doesnt mean that I still dont miss him. I've stopped crying everyday, but still cry all the time. It hurts, still, and I dont know when it will stop hurting. When will the pain go away? When will I quit expecting him to call, or text? The other day, Stacy called to tell me they were going out to dinner, and she said "It is just us" and for a split second, I almost said "Where will my daddy be?"
It's like, hello, I know he's gone, but still, its not real. When will it be real?

"Death leaves a pain that no one can heal. Love leaves memories that no one can steal."

I love and miss you, Daddy!

Random Thoughts Tuesday....

2011-01-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

*i am wishing this snow would go away.

*i want my happy ever after.....

*i have a new house that I am absolutely in love with.

*i miss my daddy...
*i fear being alone....

*i hear Millionare Matchmaker on TV
*i search for ways to make myself better

*i wonder why God's timing is not my own....

*i regret nothing...I've learned from all my mistakes

*i love my family and friends

*i forgive not so easily

*i ache because my nose is running, and I have a cough that has lasted 2 months.
*i always have a hard time saying no.
*i try to eat healthy, but most of the time, I fail
*i seem to live by my emotions,
*i know I am blessed!

*i feel tired

*i dance NEVER

*i dream of marriage, soon, and babies
*i give to everyone I can.
*i listen to all kinds of music.

*i sing all the time!

*i laugh a lot…

*i can't go to sleep without my nightie!!

*i write alot...it's my passion

*i cry cause I miss my daddy.
*i sleep because I need it, and love it.
*i am excited to see what God has planned for me in 2011.
*i see things pretty clearly....

*i need to find a job closer to Hartsville.
*i should go to bed...

New Year....Same Hurt

2011-01-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

2010 is gone. It brought many great things, but ended in a way I would have never expected, in a way that turned my life upside down, inside and out, and left me completely changed, completely empty, completely brokenhearted. When my daddy died on November 7th, I thought that my life wouldn't go on. I couldn't imagine how I was supposed to go through the rest of my life, day by day, doing normal things, when he was gone. It wasn't fair and I still don't think it is. It's almost been 2 months, and with each passing day, I miss him more and more. I can't say that I am learning to adjust, because I'm not. I don't think I'll ever adjust to not having my daddy here on earth with me. Each day, I miss his text messages, phone calls. I miss our Friday night family dinners. I miss hearing him call me "Jess." I miss his laughter, his smell, his sarcasm. I miss every single thing about him. I still don't understand why the Lord decided to take him home. I guess I'll never know that, I just have to accept that it was his time. I know that God has a purpose and a plan for everything, but I haven't figured this one out yet.
The hardest times for me is in my car. I guess because I'm all alone with my thoughts, with nothing else to do but to think. I still cry every morning on the way to work. My heart still hurts so bad. It still feels like it's been ripped out of my chest, dropped, breaking into 10 million pieces, and then put back in, never to heal again. I dont think I'll ever heal, in fact, I don't want to. Why would I? Being okay to me means forgetting my daddy, and accepting the fact that he's gone, and I can't do that yet. Yes, I know he's not coming back, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Thankfulness.

2010-11-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

This was the first Thanksgiving without my daddy, as he passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack on November 7th. To be honest, I dreaded this day for two weeks. It's hard to think of all that you are thankful for, when your father has suddenly been taken from your life, at the age of 51. Since my parents divorced 12 years ago, I have spent the last 11 Thanksgiving holidays with my father, and his family, so Thanksgiving was very strange this year.

I miss my daddy more than words can ever explain. There's no way to explain the loss that I feel, and the void that will be forever left in my heart. But, I celebrate the fact that I know that my daddy had a heavenly Thanksgiving day feast in Heaven with my sweet Pa-Pa, and Jesus. And, I know without a doubt that my daddy would want me to have a good day, and reflect on all that I am thankful for.

So, what am I thankful for:
My salvation...especially in times such as these. God is the one thing that is keeping me together througout all of this.
My family...I know that everyone says this, but I have the most wonderful family ever.
My friends....it's funny how things such as losing your father show you who your real friends truly are. Surprisingly, I will end a few friendships because of their lack of "friendship" during the hardest time in my life, but for those very few, best friends, that I have, I am so very blessed, and thankful.
My career---it's the most stressful thing I've ever done, but I am very blessed, and I have a great job, that I love, most days, and I'm very thankful for that.
Bentlee...yes, he is a dog, but to me, he is my family. He greets me everyday when I go home from work, and is my constant companion.
My health....
But, this Thankgiving, as hard as it was, I am most thankful that I know where my daddy is, and that makes things more bearable.

Perfect Timing

2010-08-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

So, after my pity party yesterday about the unfairness of God's timing for blessing me with my soulmate, I go to church today, and am reminded of God's perfect timing in this hymn that we sang at the end of the service. What a wonderful reminder from God that brings me to my knees, and helps me to acknowledge that it is not about me, or what I want, but that God has ordained a plan for my life, and has my days numbered out, and that he will reveal his perfect plan, in his timing. it's all about You, Jesus

Jesus, lover of my soul

all consuming fire is in Your gaze

Jesus, I want you to know

I will follow you all my days

for no one else in history is like you

and history itself belongs to you

Alpha and Omega, You have loved me

and I will share eternity with You

it's all about You, Jesus

and all this is for You

for Your glory and your fame

it's not about me

as if You should do things my way

You alone are God

and I surrender to your ways!

Pity Party

2010-08-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days when you feel sorry for yourself, and want to wallow in your self pity all day long. Well, that's me, today. I'm having one of those days when I have cried all day long because I am so unhappy with the way my life is turning out. Which, in reality, seems so selfish and untrue, because I have a great life. But, I tend to focus on the things I'm lacking...most importantly, love, and a family of my own.

I get so frustrated sometimes. I don't understand why God hasn't blessed me with someone yet. Why can't I find the happiness I deserve? I know we aren't supposed to question God, but I do.

It's not often that I get like this. I have a lot of good days, days where I am content because I have made a great life for myself. I truly have. I would have never imagined that I would be the confident woman that I am today, the one who moved by herself, away from everything Ive ever known, to pursue a better life for myself. And, I successfully did that. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful job, and am so fortunate to have the lifestyle that I have, but it doesn't fulfill me. It doesn't make me complete. I'm missing something. I sit home some weekends, and drown myself in my sorrows because it's so frustrating. All of my best friends are happily married, and I am so truly happy for them, but I am so jealous. And, I know I'm not supposed to be, and that that is not a becoming characteristic, but it's true, and I can't help it.

I just want to know when it will be my time. When will I get my happy ending?

Oh Frank...

2010-07-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'll admit...I'm obsessed with the reality shows, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I think it's a great concept, and obviously, it's quite entertaining with all of the drama. But, the fact is, most of the time, people go on the show to find love, and that's what everyone wants, so it's a wonderful thing. I personally think that ABC should give me my own reality TV show, a spin off of the Bachelorette, where a plus size girl could have her pick of 25 men fighting for her love, minus any of the beach/hot tub scenes. :)

There have been some crazy characters on there over the years. The country song, "They say love don't come easy" boy, the foot obessed kid, crazy Kasey from this season, pyscho Michelle from Jake's season of the Bachelor. Oh yes, Quite entertaining, I might add. I spend hours laughing at some of the people on here over the years. But the one who tops my list lately is Frank, from Ali's season of the Bachelorette.

From day one, he has been the one I wanted Ali to end up with. He's interesting, charming, funny, and they really clicked. He's been kinda sketchy the entire time, but Ali, and myself (like my opinion actually matters) chalked it up to nerves, and the fact that he couldn't handle being on a show where people were competing for love. HELLO FRANK...did you not research the show before you signed up. Of course she is going to be kissing you one day, and then kissing Kurt, or Roberto the next day. It's a reality TV show, for goodness sake.

But, no....Frank wasn't dealing with nerves, or stress. That loser decides, after he is picked to be the final three, that he still loves his ex girlfriend, and breaks Ali's heart on national TV. What a jackass! Seriously, Frank, you dissapoint me. I hope you and your Mr. Roger's sweaters live happliy ever after.

2010-06-15T17:59:00.000-07:00

~When I was little, I was convinced that if I were to bust the TV screen, all of the animated characters would fall out onto my living room floor. I was stoked about playing with the Flintstones, Smurfs, etc. Today, as I was getting ready for work, I was reminded of this fantasy, as I was watching a show on cupcakes. How lovely it would be if cupcakes fell from your TV screen when busted.

Random Things....

2010-06-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

~ I have no cartiledge in my nose....and very little bone. I could never break my nose, and it squishes in like a pig's nose. In high school, this guy called me "Push your Nose in Jessica."

~ I have a newfound obession for all things yogurt. I eat it all the time, which is a great thing considering I'm trying to lose weight. My favorite is Blueberry Pie by Yoplait. Sooo good!

~ I bite my nails, all day, every day. Even if I have fake nails on. I'm obsessed...cant help it. It's a nervous habit.

~Speaking on nervous habits, I "fiddle" with my rings, and this causes me to lose them EVERYWHERE I go, grocery stores, airports, beach, etc. I'm constantly having to ask people to help me find my ring.

~ I hate steak, seafood, most red meat, pork.

~ My mom is my best friend. She rocks.

~ I hope to buy my first house by the end of this year.

~ I never carry cash...not even a dollar. If you don't take my plastic, don't expect to get business from me.

~ I love a quiet house.

~ I love the rain, and thunderstorms, especially when I am slepping.

~ There is nothing that a bubble bath, or a diet cherry coke, can't fix. Trust me!

~ I have more "bad " days at work that I have "good" days. I'm working on my attitude because I'm convinced that that has something to do with it.

~ I get an average of 150 emails a day at work.

~ My best friends are the greatest. We don't stay in touch like I would like to, but it's amazing how we can pick up right where we left off.

~ I think my puppy, Bentlee, is the greatest thing since sliced bread. He's my child, and I don't care who thinks its silly.

~ I planned my whole wedding once, even designed the programs, picked out bridesmaid dresses. All I was missing was the ring. And, then, we broke up 2 weeks after I made all the plans.

Porcelain Heart

2010-05-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

Broken heart, one more time.

Pick yourself up, why even cry?

Broken pieces in your hand.

Wonder how you'll make it whole?

You know, you pray,

This can't be the way.

You cry, you say,

Somethings gotta change.

And mend this porcelain heart of mine.

Someone said "a broken heart"

Would sting at first then make you stronger.

You wonder why this pain remains?

Where hearts made whole just to break?

Creator, only you will take this brokenness

And create it into beauty once again.....

Faith....

2010-04-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

Today, I was blessed by the never ending faith of a loving wife, who was laying her beloved husband to rest , after a long battle with a rare disease. Today, I saw the heartache she was feeling, but was amazed at the fact that she was able to stand to her feet, and praise her God, in one of the hardest times during her life. I've watched her throughout these past years, as this disease has taken over her husbands body and life. Always so strong, such a pillar of faith and commitment to God. She lived out the lyrics in "Praise you in this storm" because that is exactly what she did, and will continue to do. I watched in amazement as she worshipped God, the God who gives and takes away. She was grieving, of course, but rejoicing in the fact that she knew her husband, who was confined to a wheelchair for many years, is now dancing the streets of gold in Heaven. What a wonderful thought that must be. She's rejoicing in knowing that he is healed, his body that was in such much pain for so many years, is now made perfect in image of God. What a wonderful thing it did for my soul to see this grieving woman lift her arms to the Lord, just hours before burying her husband, and praise him for all that he his, and all that he has promised to be. This woman's faith amazes me; it has for many years, because I don't know if I could be that strong. My heart breaks for this family, and for our community, because her husband was such a loving, caring man, and has touched many, many lives in his years of being a doctor. Yes, we will grieve for him on earth, but I know that tonight, he's been made whole, and is rejoicing with my Lord in Heaven, and I know that because I'm saved, I will see him again one day.

30 day shred...day one

2010-03-09T18:20:00.000-08:00

Kicked my butt, big time! Seriously, who knew how hard jumping jacks were when your overweight and have big boobs! Not a good combination! Thanks Jillian Michaels for reminding me why I don't exercise, and better yet, why I so desperately need to!

2010-02-24T15:33:00.000-08:00

So next Wednesday, ill be 28! For those who know me well, know that I have always said that I am going to adopt a child when I turn 28 if I wasn't married or in a serious relationship. Well the time has come and I'm neither married or dating, but I do struggle daily with the strong desire of being a mommy. I know in my heart that that is what God has called me to be and I struggle with accepting his timing on it. For the past year, I've contemplated becoming a foster parent and would really want to do it but am reminded of my busy work schedule and the fact that I'm single and under 30 so I just don't think they would let me be a foster parent. So as 28 rolls around and I'm reminded of all the things I thought I would have accomplished by now, I find that I can't get over the frustration that its not my time to marry and be a mommy. I wonder if and when god is going to bless me. Being a mom is the one thing that I know ill be great at and its one of the things in my life that is missing. So 28 will be here before I know it and I'm pushing my deadline up. Maybe 30 would be a good time to adopt a child! One things for sure: I've got a lot of love to give and can't wait to give it!

Oh Baby....

2009-10-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

I have the weirdest dreams...like, I will wake up in the morning, and sometimes question my sanity in my sleep. However, on Thursday night, I had a dream that physically made me cry, wake up in sweat, and fear that it was NOT true.

No, it wasn't me that was pregnant in my dream. I could handle that, and most that know me well enough, know that I secretly with for a baby now, even though I'm not married, or even in a relationship.

My 48 year old mother was pregnant in my dream, and she was freakin thrilled, excited, overjoyed, apparently looking forward to being a 49 year old mother, already with a 28 year old daughter and a 26 year old son.

In my dream, I was horrified, disgusted, and terribly sad. I cried for days, laying in my bed, doing nothing, while my 48 year old mother was out shopping for baby clothes.

EWW GROSS. I told my mom about this dream (or nightmare). She thought it was pretty funny, and pretty much considered it a nightmare as well.

The Celebration of My Last Two Single Best Friend's Wedding!

2009-08-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

Here Comes The Brides!

It's official...I have NO more single best friends, as my last two single best friends, Brittainy and Robin were married on August 1st and August 8th. As I now feel like the girl in 27 dresses, and bridesmaid dresses ONCE AGAIN fill my closet, I've decided that if I were to meet any new female friends, they must be married before we become good friends! Don't get me wrong, because I'm so blessed to have a handful of best friends, and I'm so grateful for being a part of their special day, but I truly feel like a professional bridesmaid. And, I am definitely feeling like the phrase "Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride" describes me perfectly! :)

August 8th was my KD sister, and college roommate, Robin's wedding. It was ABOUT time, as she had been dating Jason for like 6 years. Robin and Jason's wedding was in Columbia, and it was beautiful, and SO MUCH fun. We had a mini-college reunion with some of my best friends from college, and it was a blast! Robin was a beautiful bride, and her wedding ceremony was so sweet!

Gilby, Me, Biggie, Jamie and AK!

Mr. and Mrs. Lotsey

Jamie and I

Gilby, Lil Dave, Me, and Jamie

Brittainy and Trey's wedding was beautiful. She was a stunning bride, and I found myself a little teary eyed as she was walking down the aisle, because she is my absolute "BESTEST" friend, and I am so happy that she found a wonderful man like Trey. And, I can't forget to mention that a 17 yr old girl I used to babysit caught the bouquet that was MEANT for me to catch! :)

The Beautiful Bride

Mr. and Mrs. Starling

Trey and Britt

Krissy, Brittainy and Me!

So, now, all my friends are married, and I'm looking forward to not having a closet full of bridesmaid dresses, cause I'm selling them on EBAY, but I'm so thankful to have such wonderful best friends, and that I was able to be a part of their special day!

God's plan for my love life!

2009-05-15T18:26:00.001-07:00

Everyone wants to give themselves completely to someone--to have a deep, good relationship with another--to be loved thoroughly, excusively. But God, to a Christian says:

No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone- with giving yourself totally and unreservedely to me alone- to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of all other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing-and that you can't imagine. I want you to have the best-please allow me to bring it to you. You keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experienceing the satisifaction that I am. Be patient, that is all.
Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at the things you want, just keeping looking off and away, up to me, or you will miss what I have planned for you. And, then, when you least expect it, I'll surprise you with a love for more wonderful than anything else you have dreamed of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have picked out for you is ready, until you are both satisfied with me, and the life that I want you to have, you will not be able to expericene the love that exemplifies a relationship with me--A PERFECT LOVE!
And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer. KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU UTTERLY. I AM GOD! Be still, believe and be satisified!

Not Gonna Settle....

2009-05-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

"Fifteen minutes left to throw me together
For Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Lookin' like another, "Maybe we can be friends."
I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make
I ain't settlin'
For just getting by
I've had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high"
Just enough," ain't enough this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything
With some good red wine
And my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love, and try how it feels
With my heart wide open
Yeah, you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind
And changed the world
I ain't settlin'
For just getting by
I've had enough so-soFor the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high"
Just enough," ain't enough this time
I ain't settlin'
For just getting by
I've had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high
I ain't settlin'
No, no, no, no, no, no
So raise the bar high, high...."

My momma has always told me not to settle, in any aspect of my life, for ANYTHING less than what I deserve. As I look back over the last few years, in relationships, in my career, in my daily life, I feel like I have been "settling" for what I thought I could have. It's like I find something that I think I want, and I hold on to it, not letting go, for the fear of not finding something better. When, all the while, I know that I deserve better. And, I know that eventually, that "something better" will come my way. I feel like I've spent the last few years "settling," keeping things and people close by, kind of like my safe haven, while, all the while, I'm looking the whole time for something better to come my way. I guess I'm just realizing now that I deserve better, and that's what I'm out to find!!

My Big Mouth Family

2009-05-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

I went home this past weekend, and had a weekend of nothing but family time. We had a shower for my Jason and Kari, and I've since decided that I need to get married, have a baby, or move, because they got lots of presents, and I was jealous!
But anyways, it was a lovely time with the family. I spent the weekend at my Granny's, and I haven't stayed there much in my teenage/adult years, so it brought back lots of memories. Especially when she called me the day before I got there to tell me she had bought me some snacks. Two things came to my mind: 1, I don't snack really and 2, I'm sure my Granny doesn't really know what sweet stuff I like to eat, some I'm pretty sure it Debbie cakes or something icky like that...
But, much to my surprise, it was Krispy Kreme donuts, which was wonderful. Good going, Gran!
In the midst of my family time, I've discovered that my family is very open and honest, and says whatever comes to mind, and it makes me laugh, so I figured I would share some conversations.

***Garrett, my 8 year old cousin, who had just "caught" a new pet turtle (#3) at my Granny's pond.
G: I named the turtle Anna.
Me: I thought the name was Tuck.
G: Well, it was, but it's a girl, so I had to change it.
Me: Garrett, how do you know that it's a girl.
G: Duh, I looked up under the turtle, and trust me, it's a girl!

Seriously???

***My 70 something year old church going Granny.
When asked at the shower if there was a strong man in the room, and her son was the only man around says, "Well, he's a man, but you better look elsewhere for the strong part."

When telling a story about someone who was talking about weight loss failures, my Granny says, "And, let me tell you, when I hugged her, she had fat rolls all around her middle."

When someone at church on Sunday asked where the rest of my family was, my church going Granny replies "They are all hungover."
Please know that she didn't mean this literally...I don't think that the person she was talking to knew that.

Family...gotta love them!!!

2009-04-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

"There is a reason that windshields are much larger than rearview mirrors. That reason being: It is much more important to look ahead, than to look at things that are behind you." I heard this in a sermon one Sunday, and I cannot seem to get it off my mind. I think that God is using this to teach me something about his plan for my life, You see, I know HE has a plan, one that is FAR BIGGER AND GREATER than anything I can imagine. But yet, I constantly focus on things of the past...mistakes I've made, people I've hurt, things I've done, things I should've done, etc. I look back over my life in the past year and I see a dramatic change in myself. I truly do. I have grown so much over the past year, but yet, I still have so much more growing to do. I look at some of the things I have accomplished, and I can't fathom that these are things that I accomplished. But of course, I couldn't have done any of it without God. I want to whole heartedly seek God's will in everything I do for the next year. I want to be changed for the better. I want to make a difference. I'm tired of holding on to the past. I want to let go, and LET GOD! Of course, this is much easier said than done. This is where I struggle...letting go. It's so hard! But, I know HE is in control, and I know that he is saying "Be patient, my child. Wait on what I have planned for you." And, that is exactly what I plan to do this year. So, anyways, that's my blogging for the night! Just needed to write my thoughts down!

27 and Single....

2009-03-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've discovered that the world, or shall I say my world, thinks the fact that I'm 27 and not married (or no potential to be married any time soon), is completely taboo, and unheard of.
I'll be honest in stating that I want more than anything to be married, SOON, and start having a family, because I know that God created me with the purpose of being a wife and mother one day. But, again, in being honest, when you work 10-12 hour days, and then come home to start again the next day, there's not much chances to "meet someone." I know that my God already has someone picked out, and will reveal that to me and him, in his timing. And, most days, being "27 and single" doesn't bother me. All my friends are married, and I'm so happy for them. Yes, I want what they have! And, there are days when I feel like I'm the last single girl, but for the most part, I'm happy with my life. I've done really well for myself (not bragging at all, just stating the facts), and have a good career, and a good life that I love. Of course, I would love to have someone to come home to at night, other than my sweet Bentlee pup, but I'm a firm believer of God's timing, and it just isn't right now.

So, I get frustrated when people "aww" and feel sorry for me when they hear that "no, I'm not married, nor do I have a boyfriend." Well, big freakin deal. I'm happy...most days! So, don't look at me as a charity case. Recently, someone very close to me told me that I would never get married, because my expectations are simply too high. That hurt me! And, I couldn't disagree more. I have high expectations for a reason, and that's because I've settled before, and am not willing to do it again. Is my "perfect man" perfect? Well, no, absolutely not! No one is...but, there are certain qualifications that he needs to meet, and there are some things that I will not compromise on, and don't feel I should have to. So, for someone to say that my chances of getting married based on what I look for is pretty slim is wacked up!

....Because, I know that I will get married. And, I know that my God has purposely planned the road he wants me to take, and who he wants me to take it with. And, he's gonna bless me with a wonderful mate one day. And, until then, I'll keep praying for the day to come!

2009-03-17T18:16:00.001-07:00

Well, unfortunately, I'm a busy girl, so I don't have time to blog much lately.

I had my wisdom teeth cut out on Thursday. I had prepared myself for excruiating pain, like my entire body was being chopped too pieces. And, so then, when it was over, I cried, but not because I was hurting, but because I'm a cry baby, and emotional, and felt like crying. Then, got home, slept all day, and hardly no pain. Woke up Friday, only a little pain. Saturday, I gave up on the soft food, and ate Chick-fil-a nuggets, and regretted it, because it hurt like crazy.
But, the whole experience was much better than I had prepared myself for, but as my momma always says, I always prepare for the worse, and overreact! But, that's just my way of doing things.

I found a new car. An 09 Nissan Altima...fully loaded, super white! Loved, loved, loved it, just not the price. So, I'm DEBATING about it. And, the car salesman is calling me EVERYDAY!

It's sooo pretty...but I don't want a car payment!

Was I pregnant???

2009-02-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

So, this is my funny work story of the day.

Here's a conversation I had with a female patient today.

Patient: "Uh. yeah, I'm calling cuz you sent my account to collections, and i ain't never got a bill."

Me: "Ma'am, I can check on that for you. What's your name?"

**Patient gives name and date of birth.

Me: "Well, Ms. ****, I see where we have talked to you several times about this bill. And, it was sent to ***address***. Is that the correct mailing address?"

Patient: "Yes...well, what did I come for that day anyway. I don't remember coming to Upstate in June"

****Patient is told what she came in for.****

Patient: "Why are the charges so high? This is crazy. What did they do?"

***I name some of the tests performed.***

Patient: "A pregnancy test....why did they do a pregnancy test?"

Me: "Ma'am, it's a standard requirement."

Patient: "Well, what was the results? Was I pregnant?"

Me: (Trying to contain my hysterical giggles) "Well, Ms. *****, I don't know if you were pregnant. You would know the answer to that. Do you have a baby???"

Patient: "Oh yeah...alright, well I ain't gonna pay this bill."

**End of convo!***

I LOVE MY JOB!!!

I am.....

2009-01-13T18:09:00.000-08:00

7 lbs lighter since Jan 1, 2009! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-11T14:39:00.000-08:00

*i am missing home
*i want love.....
*i have a wonderful family and amazing friends!
*i miss seeing my family everyday
*i fear being alone....
*i hear Bentlee whining to go out
*i search for ways to make myself better
*i wonder why God's timing is not my own....
*i regret nothing...I've learned from all my mistakes
*i love my family and friends
*i forgive not so easily
*i ache because I have Restless Legs syndrome
*i always put others first
*i try to be more patient.
*i seem to let people walk all over me
*i know I am blessed!
*i feel tired
*i dance NEVER
*i dream of lots of things...
*i give to others....
*i listen to all kinds of music.
*i sing all the time!
*i laugh a lot…
*i can't go to sleep without my nightie!!
*i write alot...it's my passion
*i cry all the time...for no reason at all!
*i sleep all day long on Saturdays
*i am excited to see what God has planned for me in 2009
*i see things pretty clearly....
*i need to lose weight
*i should go do laundry...

These are a few of my favorite things...

2009-01-11T14:05:00.000-08:00

....Jesus, My wonderful family, Bentlee, my boys Zach and Garrett, shopping, singing, really cute shoes, pocketbooks, jewelry, Target, Sonic Sweet Tea, chicken tenders, my rainbow flip flops, my house, palm trees, Kappa Delta, my sisters, my BFF's, scrapbooking, margaritas, a good glass of wine, Mexican food, Costa Rica, little children, old people, laughing, my new pearl ring, Sugarland, going home, Febreeze, candles, the colors pink and brown, or the colors blue and brown, the beach, traveling, reading, the rain (but not what it does to my hair), red candy, diet cherry cokes, taking pictures, Girls Days, Lifetime, chick flicks, Grey's Anatomy, Friends, Desperate Housewives, any reality TV show, writing, babies, my grandparents, Facebook.........

2008-12-28T18:14:00.000-08:00

Lyrics to "By your Side"

Why are you striving these days?

Why are you trying to earn grace?

Why are you crying?

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?

To where will you go child,

Tell me where will you run,

To where will you run.

And I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall

In the dead of night

Whenever you call.

And please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side

They swallowed the grave on that night

When I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life

I want to give you life...

Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, I love you.

I'll never let you go..."

The Lord has obviously laid these lyrics on my heart today, because I heard this song 3 times on the drive back to Spartanburg, and didn't know the artist, so I made a mental note to look it up when I got home. And, then, I sign online and see where a fellow believer has blogged about the Lord giving her this very song today. And, I sat there, amazed by God's grace and love. He knows what I am struggling with lately; he knows my fears, inhibitions, weaknesses. He knows it all, and yet, he stays by my side through all my sin, struggles and the times that I don't follow him. He's there, all day, every day, to wipe away my tears, to rejoice in the good times, to comfort me during sad times. He's there...I'm just bypassing him by. Ashamed to admit it, but I am. All the while, he's waiting right there, patiently waiting for me to return to his arms. What a wonderful Lord I serve!

2008-12-20T18:37:00.000-08:00

Supermarket defends itself over Adolf Hitler cake
EASTON, Pa. – A supermarket is defending itself for refusing to a write out 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell's name on his birthday cake. Deborah Campbell, 25, of nearby Hunterdon County, N.J., said she phoned in her order last week to the Greenwich ShopRite. When she told the bakery department she wanted her son's name spelled out, she was told to talk to a supervisor, who denied the request.
Karen Meleta, a ShopRite spokeswoman, said the store denied similar requests from the Campbells the last two years, including a request for a swastika.
"We reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate," Meleta said. "We considered this inappropriate."
The Campbells ultimately got their cake decorated at a Wal-Mart in Pennsylvania, Deborah Campbell said Tuesday.
A Wal-Mart spokesman told The Associated Press on Wednesday that in light of the incident, the company would review its guidelines regarding cake decorations and other requests.
"It's clear that in serving this customer, some people were offended," spokesman Greg Rossiter said. "As a result, we're going to review our policies."
Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name."
The Campbells' two other children are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, who turns 2 in a few months, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, who will be 1 in April.
Campbell said he was raised not to avoid people of other races but not to mix with them socially or romantically. But he said he would try to raise his children differently.

Seriously, I was in the nail salon today when this flashed across the news. Let me add that I was in the painful process of getting my eyebrow's waxed, and heard this, and abruptly jerked my head to look at the television, which will ultimately cause my eyebrow's to be goofed up. But, really, I was astonished that someone would name their child Aldof Hitler. People in this world are so ignorant. So freakin ignorant!

2008-12-19T19:23:00.000-08:00

Ahhh...a Friday night, home ALONE, yet again. Usually, it doesn't bother me, but tonight, it's getting on my damn nerves!

I'm almost finished with the last of the Twilight series, and am curious as to how I will entertain myself from this point on. I've been obsessed with them thus far, and it's funny, because I've passed around my whole office...EVERYONE is reading them.

And, I found out that I am not the only one who thinks Emmett is much HOTTER than Edward.

There just simply isn't a comparison, but I must agree with Gilbs that Emmett is so much more my type, since obviously, I am attracted to that type of guy. You know, white tee shirt, jeans, not really preppy at all, but please note: NOT A BLACK tee shirt, because that is so not cool, and I will change someone's wardrobe, as I successfully have before...TWICE actually.

As of today, the nurses in the ED will hate me, because I will be the "bitchy tattle-tail," because I went above their heads, because they can't finish their charts on time, and it's totally screwing up my billing. I mean seriously, how long does it take to finish a ER chart. They are obviously setting the new record, and they are up to 14 days.

So, I also found out a lot of GOOD drama today at work. One thing in particular is that there used to be this little game between three females where they would see who could sleep with the "new guy" on the block first. I think that's totally classy, and hilarious, and it sorta reminds me of Grey's Anatomy. But, I shall not lie, cause I love hearing the gossip and drama, as long as it's not about me.

Tomorrow, my plans are to sleep all freakin day long, because I apparently have diagnosed myself with insomnia, and have only slept maybe 10 hours since last Saturday night. And, when I do wake up tomorrow, I'm treating myself to a manicure and pedicure, because I so deserve it.

2008-12-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

Well, today, has been a CRAZY Monday, but what's new. First of all, I got up really early this morning, cause I was going to be a good boss and actually get to work early, and not 30 minutes late, like I usually am. Well, yeah, that didn't happen.

And then...I get halfway to Gaffrica, and realize that I think I left my steamer on, so what do I worry about? Not that I will burn down the entire house I share with 2 other people, but no..my only concern is Bentlee. So, I text my dear friend Lizzie-G at 8am and tell her to alert her husband that if my house is on fire, please break a window and get my dog out. Yes, I realize that I am DRAMATIC!!!

Well, Lizzie-G texts me back...at 5pm...8 hours later, to tell me that there hasn't been a fire, but that the contractors painted the back porch today, and I would have to come in through the front door. Not usually a problem, but I locked the chain on my front door.

And, then, I find out that my favorite great aunt has cancer, and it's not looking good. And, then, my uncle gets bit by a stray dog, and guess who his paramedic is...my ex!

And then, some idiot has the nerve to tell me that his cow, Marvin, is WAY cuter than Bentlee.

This is Marvin, by the way....so not cuter than my Bent-Bent.

I'm so excited about all the new teen reality shows on MTV, such as the one with Whitney from the Hills. I absolutely can't wait, and my cell phone calendar is filled with reminders for new tv programs that I want to watch.

I'm off to bed...I was told today that my eyes look like I haven't slept in years, so I am guessing that means that I definately need my beauty sleep. Oh, by the way, I didn't leave my steamer on this morning!!

What I want Santa to bring me for Christmas!!!

2008-12-13T09:18:00.000-08:00

An I-Phone....I REALLY, REALLY want this!!

A 2009 Trailblazer!!

A man....who looks just like this one!

2008-12-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a crazy couple of weeks. I finally got my well deserved promotion....YAY me! And, I officially began my new position on Monday, December 1st. And, what a week. It was the most overwhelming week of my life....stressful, demanding, PRESSURE, PRESSURE, and MORE PRESSURE. It's not like it's a new job or anything, as I have been the Assistant Director for a year now. It's just like I got overwhelmed, and wasn't sure what task to complete first. Due to the currect economic situation, I've been forced to make some major cost reduction plans within my 5 departments...and it's been HARD. But, ya gotta do what ya gotta do!

Other than that, I've been getting in the Christmas spirit. I debated on putting up my Christmas tree, because I was fearful that my wild Bentlee would tear it apart, but it has successfully been up for 1 week now! And, it even has wrapped presents under it, and Bentlee has not bothered them at all.

Speaking of Bentlee....he has a new nickname, Bratty Bentlee, because that is what he is. He can be the biggest brat. He will sit there and stare at me, and WHINE, WHINE, WHINE.

And, he is very high maintenance....kinda like his Mommy! :) He is NEVER satisifed, and drives me crazy sometimes, but it's so great having him. I love him greeting me at the door everyday when I come home.

Some more exciting news...my brother got engaged over Thanksgiving. I'm excited for him and Ashley. They are getting married on May 1, 2010. It's kinda crazy that Adam is getting married...he is my little brother. But, I am sooo happy for him, and I love Ashley like a sister already.

Well, gotta get ready for another work week....

2008-11-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

This is the scariest election that we as Christians have ever faced. From the looks of the polls, the Christians aren't voting Christian values. We all need to be on our knees. Do you believe we can take God at His word? Call upon His name, then stand back and watch His wonders to behold. His scripture gives us, as Christians, ownership of this land and the ability to call upon God to heal it. I challenge you to do so. We have never been more desperate than now for God to heal our land. 2 Chronicles 7:14 : If my people, which are called by my name shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land."
Christians all across the nation need to be on their knees before the Lord, praying that the Lord will give people wisdom as they are going to vote polls. We need to pray for God's will during this election!

8 things about me!!!***

2008-10-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

8 Things About Me....

8 Favorite TV shows:
In no particular order
1. One Tree Hill
2. Friends
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Beverly Hills 90210
5. That 70's Show
6. Grey's Anatomy
8. Dr. Phil

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Subway
2 Olive Garden
3. Grigg's Grocery
4. Sonic
5. Sub Station2
6. Arbys
7. Outback
8. Chic-fil-A

8 things that happened yesterday:
1. Worked
2. Listened to patients complain
3. Called my momma
4. Watch TV
5. Played with Bentlee
6 Dinner with Lizzie Grace
7. Took a long hot bubble bath with a glass of wine
8. Went to bed early

8 things to look forward to:
1. Thanksgiving with my family
2. Going home this weekend
3. Christmas
4. My future
5. New clothes shopping
6. Getting my hair cut on Saturday
7. The weekend
8. A new job !!

8 things I love about fall:
1. My electricity bill going down
2. College Football
3. Thanksgiving
4. The leaves changing
5. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, and pumpkins
6. Yellow mums
7. Shopping for Christmas gifts (I love giving gifts and shopping)
8. Traveling....

8 Things on My Wish List:
1. Finding my soulmate, getting married
2. Being a mommy!
3. Happiness for myself, family and friends
4. A new, fulfilling career
5. Buying my first house
6. To travel the world
7. A maid to clean my house
8. Lots more wishes!

Vote McCain and Palin!!

2008-10-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

I got this from a friend and I think this hits it on the head!!
Think about it!!

Yesterday on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed. Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama/Biden 08" pin, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference. When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need, the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed away. I went outside, gave the homeless guy $5 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful. At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was really pissed that I gave away the money he did earn even though the homeless guy seemed to need the money more. I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

New at this blogging thing............

2008-10-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

My sweet puppy, Bentlee!

So, I've seen alot of my friends with BLOGS lately, and it's sparked my interest. And, anyone who truly knows me, knows that I absolutely love writing, and putting my feelings in written form. So, I've decided to create a blog to share my life with others. I can't guarantee that it won't bore some, because trust me, my life is bascially summed up like this: I get up, go to work for about 10 hours a day, then go home, spend time with my pup-pup Bentlee, and then go to bed to start the process over again the next day.

I live in Spartanburg, and moved here for a job. I am the Assistant Director of Business Office Services for Health Mananagment Associates. I work at Upstate Carolina Medical Center.

And, I'm still searching...26 and still have NO CLUE what I want to be when I grow up. One day, I want to go get my M.A.T and teach 2nd graders, and the next, I want to get my M.B.A and travel the world as a business woman.

But, what I really want is to be happy, no matter what I am doing. I want to fall in love with my soulmate (I need not mention that ALL of my friends are now either married, with or without children, or engaged to be married). I want to be a mommy, and soon, but that doesn't seem like it will ever happen. I've always said that if I wasn't married by the time I was 28, I would adopt, because I feel that it is God's calling for me to be a mommy. 28 is only about 17 months away....so we'll see what happens between now and then.

I love the Lord....and can't imagine my life without him, although my relationship with him hasn't always been something that I am proud of. He has never left my side, and has blessed me with so much, and I am so grateful, but am so guilty of not thanking him enough.

I love to sing, and am grateful that God has given me that talent.

I have a wonderful family. My parents are divorced, but I am so okay with that, and am actually grateful that it happened. My mom has a wonderful partner, Joey, who has been a constant blessing in our lives. He is such a wonderful man, and provider for our family, and I am so grateful for that. My dad and I have a good relationship, although there once was a time that I didn't think that would happen. He is funny, and constantly makes me laugh. My brother, Adam, is 24, and is great. He has a wonderful girlfriend, Ashley, and I can't wait for her to be my sis-in-law. I have three living grandparents, and they are all such role models for me.

So, that's my life at the moment.....It changes daily, because I am still trying to figure out where God is taking me. Right now, I'm just holding on to HIM, seeking his will, and living my life to the fullest!