2010 is gone. It brought many great things, but ended in a way I would have never expected, in a way that turned my life upside down, inside and out, and left me completely changed, completely empty, completely brokenhearted. When my daddy died on November 7th, I thought that my life wouldn't go on. I couldn't imagine how I was supposed to go through the rest of my life, day by day, doing normal things, when he was gone. It wasn't fair and I still don't think it is. It's almost been 2 months, and with each passing day, I miss him more and more. I can't say that I am learning to adjust, because I'm not. I don't think I'll ever adjust to not having my daddy here on earth with me. Each day, I miss his text messages, phone calls. I miss our Friday night family dinners. I miss hearing him call me "Jess." I miss his laughter, his smell, his sarcasm. I miss every single thing about him. I still don't understand why the Lord decided to take him home. I guess I'll never know that, I just have to accept that it was his time. I know that God has a purpose and a plan for everything, but I haven't figured this one out yet.
The hardest times for me is in my car. I guess because I'm all alone with my thoughts, with nothing else to do but to think. I still cry every morning on the way to work. My heart still hurts so bad. It still feels like it's been ripped out of my chest, dropped, breaking into 10 million pieces, and then put back in, never to heal again. I dont think I'll ever heal, in fact, I don't want to. Why would I? Being okay to me means forgetting my daddy, and accepting the fact that he's gone, and I can't do that yet. Yes, I know he's not coming back, but that doesn't make it any easier.
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