Void...

Have you ever lost someone that you love?  If you have, then I can imagine that you know what I go through on a daily basis.  Still dealing with grief, denial, anger, and all of these emotions rolled into one. It amazes me that now, 6 months, and 10 days later, I still sometimes believe that my daddy is not dead.  Call it denial, call it crazy, call it whatever you want, but there are times, special moments in the day, when I cannot believe that my father is dead.  An example of this happened today after church. We went out to eat as normal, and I found myself wanting to tell Granny that she needed to get a to-go plate for daddy.  I literally had to catch myself before saying that, for the sake of looking completely insane, because we all know that my daddy is dead.  Or, when I see his truck driving down the road.  Yes, I know that we sold it, and I know it's some other man driving it, but part of me still feels like it's my daddy. 
I still miss him so much.  Time doesn't heal wounds, I can promise you that.   I still hurt everyday.  I still miss him just as much as I did the moment I heard that he was dead.  I still cringe at the fact that I know I won't see him on this earth again, that he wont walk me down the aisle, or see my children.  It still breaks my heart everyday.  You never heal...you just learn to continue living, and that remains a daily struggle for me. 

HIS perfect plan

So, have I mentioned how much I LOVE my new house?  I can't believe I actually bought a house.  But, I did, and it was the best decision I ever made, and I feel like it was all a part of God's perfect plan for my life.  Why, you ask?  Because I found this house on November 6th, 2010, and made an offer instantly.  It was accepted, and I was thrilled, and instantly went over to show my daddy pictures "online" of my new house. He was so excited, and so happy for me.  I am his little girl, his very independent little girl, but regardless, his little girl.  I could see how proud he was of me.  Less than 12 hours later, he passed away. 
I think back all the time, and know without a doubt, that this was a part of God's plan.  My God has perfect timing.  While my daddy never "physically" saw my new home, I'm comforted by the fact that he was able to share in this huge step in my life.  I miss him so much!

My favorite thing about the day...

So, I don't have a husband, or kids, waiting for me, when I come home from a long day.  But, I have to tell you.  The highlight of my day is coming home, and pulling down my driveway, and seeing my sweet Bentlee's little head popping up over my chair, staring out the window.  I swear, it's the cutest thing.  It's like he's been there all day long, waiting on "his momma" to get home.  AWW...I just LOVE HIM!

Letter from Heaven....

To my dearest Jessica,


Some things I would like to say,

But first of all, to let you know

That I arrived ok.



...I’m writing this from Heaven

Where I dwell with God above,

here there’s no more tears or sadness

There is just eternal love.



Please do not be unhappy

Just because I’m out of sight.

Remember that I’m with you

Every morning, noon, and night.

That day that I had to leave you

When my life on earth was through,

God picked me up and hugged me

And He said, I welcome you.



It’s good to have you back again

You were missed while you were gone.

As for your dearest family

They’ll be here later on.



I need you here so badly

As part of my big plan.

There’s so much that we have to do

To help our mortal man.



Then God gave me a list of things

He wished for me to do.

And foremost on that list of mine

Is to watch and care for you.



And I will be beside you

Every day and week and year.

And when you’re sad,

I’m standing there to wipe away the tears.



And when you lie in bed at night

The days chore put to flight

God and I are closest to you

In the middle of the night.



” When you think of my life on earth

And all those loving years,

Because you’re only human

They’re bound to bring you tears



But do not be afraid to cry

It does relieve the pain.

Remember, there would be no flowers

Unless there was some rain.



I wish that I could tell you

Of all that God has planned,

But if I were to tell you,

You would not understand.



And to my many friends trust,

God knows what it best.

I’m still not very far away from you

I’m just beyond the crest.



And now I am contented that my life,

It was worthwhile.

Knowing as I passed along the way

I made someone smile.



When you’re walking down the street

And you’ve got me on your mind,

I’m walking in your footsteps

Only half a step behind.



And when you feel that gentle breeze

Or the wind upon your face,

That’s me giving you a great big hug

Or just a soft embrace.



And when it’s time for you to go

From that body to be free,

Remember, you’re not going,

You are coming here to me.



And I will always love you

from that land way up above.

I’ll be in touch again soon,



P.S. GOD SENDS HIS LOVE!

Missing You, Daddy

Today has been one of those days. One of those, I'm about to go crazy, work is driving me nuts, my life is spinning faster than I can turn, everyone is annoying me, kinda days.  One of those days that I'd like nothing better to do but SCREAM that I cant take it anymore.   Today, and everyday, I miss my daddy.  But, there are those moments when something happens, and I want nothing more than to pick up the phone and call or text him to tell him something that happened, or tell him something funny.  He and I had this thing:  We would send each other funny text message forwards.  We did this often, and I miss that the most.  I say this all the time, but I really would give anything to hear his voice again, or even get a text from him again.  I know that people say I can still talk to him, and I do, but it's not the same.  And, I dont know if anyone understands how I feel.  Just because 3 months has almost passed, doesnt mean that I still dont miss him.  I've stopped crying everyday, but still cry all the time.  It hurts, still, and I dont know when it will stop hurting.  When will the pain go away? When will I quit expecting him to call, or text?  The other day, Stacy called to tell  me they were going out to dinner, and she said "It is just us" and for a split second, I almost said "Where will my daddy be?" 
It's like, hello, I know he's gone, but still, its not real. When will it be real? 

"Death leaves a pain that no one can heal.  Love leaves memories that no one can steal."

I love and miss you, Daddy!

Random Thoughts Tuesday....

*i am wishing this snow would go away.

*i want my happy ever after.....

*i have a new house that I am absolutely in love with.

*i miss my daddy...
*i fear being alone....

*i hear Millionare Matchmaker on TV
*i search for ways to make myself better

*i wonder why God's timing is not my own....

*i regret nothing...I've learned from all my mistakes

*i love my family and friends

*i forgive not so easily

*i ache because my nose is running, and I have a cough that has lasted 2 months.
*i always have a hard time saying no.
*i try to eat healthy, but most of the time, I fail
*i seem to live by my emotions,
*i know I am blessed!

*i feel tired

*i dance NEVER

*i dream of marriage, soon, and babies
*i give to everyone I can.
*i listen to all kinds of music.

*i sing all the time!

*i laugh a lot…

*i can't go to sleep without my nightie!!

*i write alot...it's my passion

*i cry cause I miss my daddy.
*i sleep because I need it, and love it.
*i am excited to see what God has planned for me in 2011.
*i see things pretty clearly....

*i need to find a job closer to Hartsville.
*i should go to bed...

New Year....Same Hurt

2010 is gone.  It brought many great things, but ended in a way I would have never expected, in  a way that turned my life upside down, inside and out, and left me completely changed, completely empty, completely brokenhearted.  When my daddy died on November 7th, I thought that my life wouldn't go on.  I couldn't imagine how I was supposed to go through the rest of my life, day by day, doing normal things, when he was gone.  It wasn't fair and I still don't think it is.   It's almost been 2 months, and with each passing day, I miss him more and more.  I can't say that I am learning to adjust, because I'm not.  I don't think I'll ever adjust to not having my daddy here on earth with me.  Each day, I miss his text messages, phone calls.  I miss our Friday night family dinners.  I miss hearing him call me "Jess."  I miss his laughter, his smell, his sarcasm.  I miss every single thing about him.  I still don't understand why the Lord decided to take him home.  I guess I'll never know that, I just have to accept that it was his time.  I know that God has a purpose and a plan for everything, but I haven't figured this one out yet.
The hardest times for me is in my car.  I guess because I'm all alone with my thoughts, with nothing else to do but to think.  I still cry every morning on the way to work.  My heart still hurts so bad.  It still feels like it's been ripped out of my chest, dropped, breaking into 10 million pieces, and then put back in, never to heal again.  I dont think I'll ever heal, in fact, I don't want to.  Why would I?  Being okay to me means forgetting my daddy, and accepting the fact that he's gone, and I can't do that yet.   Yes, I know he's not coming back, but that doesn't make it any easier.