Thankfulness.

This was the first Thanksgiving without my daddy, as he passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack on November 7th.  To be honest, I dreaded this day for two weeks.  It's hard to think of all that you are thankful for, when your father has suddenly been taken from your life, at the age of 51.  Since my parents divorced 12 years ago, I have spent the last 11 Thanksgiving holidays with my father, and his family, so Thanksgiving was very strange this year.

I miss my daddy more than words can ever explain.  There's no way to explain the loss that I feel, and the void that will be forever left in my heart.  But, I celebrate the fact that I know that my daddy had a heavenly Thanksgiving day feast in Heaven with my sweet Pa-Pa, and Jesus.    And, I know without a doubt that my daddy would want me to have a good day, and reflect on all that I am thankful for.

So, what am I thankful for:
My salvation...especially in times such as these.  God is the one thing that is keeping me together througout all of this. 
My family...I know that everyone says this, but I have the most wonderful family ever.
My friends....it's funny how things such as losing your father show you who your real friends truly are.  Surprisingly, I will end a few friendships because of their lack of "friendship" during the hardest time in my life, but for those very few, best friends, that I have, I am so very blessed, and thankful.
My career---it's the most stressful thing I've ever done, but I am very blessed, and I have a great job, that I love, most days, and I'm very thankful for that. 
Bentlee...yes, he is a dog, but to me, he is my family.  He greets me everyday when I go home from work, and is my constant companion.
My health....
But, this Thankgiving, as hard as it was, I am most thankful that I know where my daddy is, and that makes things more bearable. 

Perfect Timing

So, after my pity party yesterday about the unfairness of God's timing for blessing me with my soulmate, I go to church today, and am reminded of God's perfect timing in this hymn that we sang at the end of the service.  What a wonderful reminder from God that brings me to my knees, and helps me to acknowledge that it is not about me, or what I want, but that God has ordained a plan for my life, and has my days numbered out, and that he will reveal his perfect plan, in his timing.  it's all about You, Jesus




Jesus, lover of my soul

all consuming fire is in Your gaze

Jesus, I want you to know

I will follow you all my days

for no one else in history is like you

and history itself belongs to you

Alpha and Omega, You have loved me

and I will share eternity with You



it's all about You, Jesus

and all this is for You

for Your glory and your fame

it's not about me

as if You should do things my way

You alone are God

and I surrender to your ways!

Pity Party

Ever have one of those days when you feel sorry for yourself, and want to wallow in your self pity all day long.  Well,  that's me, today.  I'm having one of those days when I have cried all day long because I am so unhappy with the way my life is turning out.  Which, in reality, seems so selfish and untrue, because I have a great life.  But, I tend to focus on the things I'm lacking...most importantly, love, and a family of my own.

I get so frustrated sometimes.  I don't understand why God hasn't blessed me with someone yet.  Why can't I find the happiness I deserve?  I know we aren't supposed to question God, but I do.

 It's not often that I get like this.  I have a lot of good days, days where I am content because I have made a great life for myself.  I truly have.  I would have never imagined that I would be the confident woman that I am today, the one who moved by herself, away from everything Ive ever known, to pursue a better life for myself.  And, I successfully did that.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful job, and am so fortunate to have the lifestyle that I have, but it doesn't fulfill me.  It doesn't make me complete.  I'm missing something.   I sit home some weekends, and drown myself in my sorrows because it's so frustrating.  All of my best friends are happily married, and I am so truly happy for them, but I am so jealous.  And, I know I'm not supposed to be, and that that is not a becoming characteristic, but it's true, and I can't help it.

I just want to know when it will be my time.  When will I get my happy ending? 

Oh Frank...

I'll admit...I'm obsessed with the reality shows, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I think it's a great concept, and obviously, it's quite entertaining with all of the drama. But, the fact is, most of the time, people go on the show to find love, and that's what everyone wants, so it's a wonderful thing. I personally think that ABC should give me my own reality TV show, a spin off of the Bachelorette, where a plus size girl could have her pick of 25 men fighting for her love, minus any of the beach/hot tub scenes. :)

There have been some crazy characters on there over the years. The country song, "They say love don't come easy" boy, the foot obessed kid, crazy Kasey from this season, pyscho Michelle from Jake's season of the Bachelor. Oh yes, Quite entertaining, I might add. I spend hours laughing at some of the people on here over the years. But the one who tops my list lately is Frank, from Ali's season of the Bachelorette.

From day one, he has been the one I wanted Ali to end up with. He's interesting, charming, funny, and they really clicked. He's been kinda sketchy the entire time, but Ali, and myself (like my opinion actually matters) chalked it up to nerves, and the fact that he couldn't handle being on a show where people were competing for love. HELLO FRANK...did you not research the show before you signed up. Of course she is going to be kissing you one day, and then kissing Kurt, or Roberto the next day. It's a reality TV show, for goodness sake.

But, no....Frank wasn't dealing with nerves, or stress. That loser decides, after he is picked to be the final three, that he still loves his ex girlfriend, and breaks Ali's heart on national TV. What a jackass! Seriously, Frank, you dissapoint me. I hope you and your Mr. Roger's sweaters live happliy ever after.

~When I was little, I was convinced that if I were to bust the TV screen, all of the animated characters would fall out onto my living room floor. I was stoked about playing with the Flintstones, Smurfs, etc. Today, as I was getting ready for work, I was reminded of this fantasy, as I was watching a show on cupcakes. How lovely it would be if cupcakes fell from your TV screen when busted.

Random Things....

~ I have no cartiledge in my nose....and very little bone. I could never break my nose, and it squishes in like a pig's nose. In high school, this guy called me "Push your Nose in Jessica."

~ I have a newfound obession for all things yogurt. I eat it all the time, which is a great thing considering I'm trying to lose weight. My favorite is Blueberry Pie by Yoplait. Sooo good!

~ I bite my nails, all day, every day. Even if I have fake nails on. I'm obsessed...cant help it. It's a nervous habit.

~Speaking on nervous habits, I "fiddle" with my rings, and this causes me to lose them EVERYWHERE I go, grocery stores, airports, beach, etc. I'm constantly having to ask people to help me find my ring.

~ I hate steak, seafood, most red meat, pork.

~ My mom is my best friend. She rocks.

~ I hope to buy my first house by the end of this year.

~ I never carry cash...not even a dollar. If you don't take my plastic, don't expect to get business from me.

~ I love a quiet house.

~ I love the rain, and thunderstorms, especially when I am slepping.

~ There is nothing that a bubble bath, or a diet cherry coke, can't fix. Trust me!

~ I have more "bad " days at work that I have "good" days. I'm working on my attitude because I'm convinced that that has something to do with it.

~ I get an average of 150 emails a day at work.

~ My best friends are the greatest. We don't stay in touch like I would like to, but it's amazing how we can pick up right where we left off.

~ I think my puppy, Bentlee, is the greatest thing since sliced bread. He's my child, and I don't care who thinks its silly.

~ I planned my whole wedding once, even designed the programs, picked out bridesmaid dresses. All I was missing was the ring. And, then, we broke up 2 weeks after I made all the plans.

Porcelain Heart

Broken heart, one more time.

Pick yourself up, why even cry?

Broken pieces in your hand.

Wonder how you'll make it whole?

You know, you pray,

This can't be the way.

You cry, you say,

Somethings gotta change.

And mend this porcelain heart of mine.

Someone said "a broken heart"

Would sting at first then make you stronger.

You wonder why this pain remains?

Where hearts made whole just to break?

Creator, only you will take this brokenness

And create it into beauty once again.....

Faith....

Today, I was blessed by the never ending faith of a loving wife, who was laying her beloved husband to rest , after a long battle with a rare disease. Today, I saw the heartache she was feeling, but was amazed at the fact that she was able to stand to her feet, and praise her God, in one of the hardest times during her life. I've watched her throughout these past years, as this disease has taken over her husbands body and life. Always so strong, such a pillar of faith and commitment to God. She lived out the lyrics in "Praise you in this storm" because that is exactly what she did, and will continue to do. I watched in amazement as she worshipped God, the God who gives and takes away. She was grieving, of course, but rejoicing in the fact that she knew her husband, who was confined to a wheelchair for many years, is now dancing the streets of gold in Heaven. What a wonderful thought that must be. She's rejoicing in knowing that he is healed, his body that was in such much pain for so many years, is now made perfect in image of God. What a wonderful thing it did for my soul to see this grieving woman lift her arms to the Lord, just hours before burying her husband, and praise him for all that he his, and all that he has promised to be. This woman's faith amazes me; it has for many years, because I don't know if I could be that strong. My heart breaks for this family, and for our community, because her husband was such a loving, caring man, and has touched many, many lives in his years of being a doctor. Yes, we will grieve for him on earth, but I know that tonight, he's been made whole, and is rejoicing with my Lord in Heaven, and I know that because I'm saved, I will see him again one day.

30 day shred...day one

Kicked my butt, big time! Seriously, who knew how hard jumping jacks were when your overweight and have big boobs! Not a good combination! Thanks Jillian Michaels for reminding me why I don't exercise, and better yet, why I so desperately need to!

So next Wednesday, ill be 28! For those who know me well, know that I have always said that I am going to adopt a child when I turn 28 if I wasn't married or in a serious relationship. Well the time has come and I'm neither married or dating, but I do struggle daily with the strong desire of being a mommy. I know in my heart that that is what God has called me to be and I struggle with accepting his timing on it. For the past year, I've contemplated becoming a foster parent and would really want to do it but am reminded of my busy work schedule and the fact that I'm single and under 30 so I just don't think they would let me be a foster parent. So as 28 rolls around and I'm reminded of all the things I thought I would have accomplished by now, I find that I can't get over the frustration that its not my time to marry and be a mommy. I wonder if and when god is going to bless me. Being a mom is the one thing that I know ill be great at and its one of the things in my life that is missing. So 28 will be here before I know it and I'm pushing my deadline up. Maybe 30 would be a good time to adopt a child! One things for sure: I've got a lot of love to give and can't wait to give it!